I recently ended my relationship with my girlfriend. The reason? I couldn't bear shielding and hiding our relationship from my family anymore. The weight of their disappointment and my own guilt is creeping up to me.
By the end of June, I finally admitted to myself that my pillars had been crumbling slowly, disintegrating into pieces since December. The cracks had spread through my fortress, leaving me nothing but rubble and dust— messy and frail. Yet, amidst the rubble, I felt cold and hard, much like the stones that surrounded me.
When it dawned on me that I couldn’t continue my life chapters together with my love, the anguish of losing them hit me like a wave, the doom of letting go engulfing me. Then, surprisingly, I felt nothing. As I debated freeing them from the shackles of continuous anxiety and the misery of my gloomy days, restlessness consumed me. I was screaming until I wasn’t, yet again I felt nothing. And when I had the courage to finally, finally let my dearest’s hands slip away from mine while I kissed her tears away for the last time (i wasn’t able to do that, we broke up over text because we couldn’t meet), I felt nothing.
I carried on with my days, unaffected about what had just occurred. My routine continued, seemingly unbothered by the grave decision I have just made. I dared not cry — I couldn’t. I needed to maintain my usual facade, play the role of the cheery girl, perhaps even happier than usual. I remember how she always encouraged me to express myself, to not repress my feelings and just let them flow out of my system freely. I’m sorry.
I am in so much pain it has become numbing.
I know restraining my tears is something I would regret later on, but it’ll be fine. After all, suppressing my emotions during difficult times has been a constant throughout my life. My feelings are encapsulated in a glass sphere, a tiny cramped one, tucked away in the farthest corner of my brain. It might explode in the near future, tiny shards stabbing its way to every fiber of my being, but for now, I won’t cry. I’ll continue living my life like usual for as long as I can before I shatter completely.
